Tuesday, December 20, 2016

Wifely Concerns—My Vampire Parody

It’s been a while since I posted an excerpt from one of my manuscripts. This is from my vampire parody, where the main character is Dee, a full-time housewife.

To tee up this scene: Dee walks in on her friend Hope, who happens to be dressed up in a French maid’s outfit in anticipation of her husband coming home. After some laughter, Hope goes off to change. The idea is to parody urban fantasy by showing things from a housewife’s viewpoint. 

photo by SoHome Jacaranda Lilau

She heard Dee call her name. Hope grimaced at the maid’s hat in her reflection, noting the polyester didn’t keep its shape well. “It’s no bother. We French maids change all the time.” She wondered if vampires could really blank themselves from mirrors at will. No wonder the females don’t bother with makeup.
Still with the one earring in her hand, she began to work on the left one when she heard Dee’s muffled voice again. Something bad. And how had she missed the sound of a struggle on the sofa?
Hope kicked off the little black shoes. Her nylon-stockinged feet zigged and zagged on the carpet as she charged into the living room.
Two vampires. Stockings or no, she tackled the female vampire on top of her friend. 
It was a klutz move, but it worked: She and her opponent both ended up on their backs. But the female vampire was on top of her, smelling like it had slept in some ditch alongside the freeway. “I just vacuumed, you stupid vamp!” 
Dee was still on the sofa, and Hope got a glimpse of her friend turning into a whirlwind. Now free of the female vampire, Dee whipped a leg up over her shoulder and kicked the male vampire who was holding a sack over her—dead in the face.
“Hey, great soccer kick.” 

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